NOTES FROM THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE…NOT!

ITEM: Hornady Manufacturing Company, an American maker of ammunition and the largest independent producer of bullets in the world, has introduced Zombie Max ammunition. The company claims it is a response to the recent “flesh-eating” crimes that garnered so much (unnecessary) media attention. The Zombie Max bullets are designed “for those who want to be ready and fully-equipped for what the company calls ‘a Zombie Apocalypse.’”

ITEM: (from the Allentown Morning Call) “…it was reported, a 43-year-old Hackensack man committed his own version of the Japanese ritual of seppuku (Americans call it harakiri) and threw pieces of his intestines at police officers. He survived, as did the police, but people in the neighborhood said he had been acting like a ‘zombie.’”

ITEM: Todd Credeur, a resident of Lafayette Parish, Louisiana, was doing yard work when his neighbor, 43-year-old Carl Jacquneaux appeared and, Credeur alleges, attacked him. In what was described as a “cannibal-type attack,” Jacquneaux bit his neighbor’s face, removing a quarter-sized piece of flesh from his cheek. According to Credeur, he stopped the attack by “spraying wasp poison into the attacker's eyes.”

ITEM: All the hype and hysteria over the “Zombie Apocalypse”… prompted Jack Simons of North Carolina to create a “Zombie Apocalypse Survival Course.” A dozen or so people laid now $50 to $75 each to attend the first one. Simons is essentially teaching a survival course with “a zombie theme.” In fact, Simons believes “high crime rates are the first sign to a zombie apocalypse.”

ITEM: And finally this bizarre tale. Beachcombers near San Francisco ran across tombstones. That’s right tombstones that washed up on the beach. Maybe. No, not really. While some tried to suggest it was another sign of a coming zombie apocalypse, in reality they were old tombstones that were deposited there as a seawall more than a century ago. Sound sacrilegious? Well, here’s the story: Back at in the early days of the last century, developers, anxious to expand San Francisco, pressured the city to close the Laurel Hill cemetery and relocate its cliental. The dead were relocated to Colma – as if they cared – although many grave makers were left behind and were subsequently used by emergency erosion crews to brace the beach. Hence, no zombie apocalypse, no floating granite tombstones, just more fodder for the True Believers (idiots/morons) to get excited over and pee themselves.