MORE TIDBITS OF APOCALYPTIC LORE

PREPPER NEWS

Tim Ralston, an Arizona native, has spent about $10,000 getting his family ready for the end of the world. Oh, yeah, and in the process a weapon backfired and blew off half of his thumb. Don’t ya hate it when that happens?

Any way, Tim was planning to use a cargo container to make an underground shelter for his family. But, having blown off half his thumb, he went to plan B and found a nice cabin next door to another prepper. He and his new buddy are “…actually working out a program…to start building shelters and selling them."

Once again, Doomsday as a profit center. *sigh*

HALF BAKKER

Former televangelist Jim Bakker has an enormous $6 million dollar debt still unpaid to the IRS. I think we can all agree that there’s nothing worse than being in debt to the IRS. They are heartless, merciless, and vindictive and like the hounds of hell, they cannot be stopped. Until the debt is paid. Thus, Bakker is now hocking “survival products” to “help his true believers live through the coming apocalypse.” Now, I have to mention that among his offerings is “a $100 Silver Solution Total Body Cleanse Kit, which includes enemas.” A blog known as The Talking Points Memo compared Jim’s prices with other apocalypse-minded sellers and found that his goods are, in some case, priced 100 percent higher than the competition. Did we mention he owes the IRS $6 million smackers?

ALIEN INVASION COMING TO A TOWN NEAR YOU!

“On August 18th, 2013, the alien invasion will begin. The government has been under the thumb of these reptoids for years and now, the truth will be revealed. There will be rivers of blood and natural disasters on a scale that this world has never seen. The end of the world will come for many and the rest will be awakened to the fact that we are not free, have never been free and will never be free. We are under the thumb of a race that sees no value in our existence outside of slavery. We are mindless drones to them and when the 8th month of 2013 is upon us, they will show us their wicked hand.”

Wow! Scary stuff. The above comes from “Ringside Report: The heart of boxing.” The heart of boxing seems to be filled with UFO stuff, because that’s pretty much what dominates the site. Strange, eh?

So, to recap, the lizard-like folk that have already enslaved us will reveal their nefarious plans and, apparently, kill a bunch of us – I wonder if they have the cookbook “To Serve Man?” – because we are valueless. I also wonder if they’re afraid of the fierce mongoose. Mongeese? Mongooses?

And happy trails to you, too! 

APOCALYPTIC TIDBITS FROM HERE AND THERE

ITEM: The above photo showing Mercury, Venus and Saturn aligning over the pyramids on the Giza Plateau went viral recently and, no doubt had people screaming “End of days! End of days! Bring out our dead!” or peeing themselves in utter terror or, maybe, ecstasy. Alas, the photo is as phony as is the idea of a rogue planet poised to collide with earth. It was computer generated by Charles Marcello using Starry Night Pro, an astronomy software program. Of course, people gobbled it up as a sign of…something, a kind of fill in the blank application. It can signify whatever or what not or just nonsense.

ITEM: The Planetary Peace Broadcast, a 24-hour “global event focusing on three aspects of peace” will be transmitted on…wait for it…yes, that’s correct! December 21, 2012! It will be on the Internet as well as television and radio stations throughout the world. Created by planpeace.org, the Planetary Peace Broadcast will focus on three crucial themes: “peace among nations, peace with the environment of our planet, and peace within each individual.” All righty then, very touchy-feely and a date that is supposed to be the End of the World…NOT!

ITEM: “We're in the End Times, the imminent coming of Jesus Christ is at the door. This Board is about updating an event happening around the world. - Matthew 24 : The Signs of the End Times and the End of the Age Prepare for the Rapture.” The forgoing is from “2012 End Times.” I assume in January, it’ll be updated to “2013 End Times.” Just sayin’!

ITEM: Conservative columnist (and baseball aficionado) George Will tackled Doomsday in a recent column. Discussing decades of doom and gloom, he pointed out that people suffered from “apocalypse fatigue — boredom from being repeatedly told the end is nigh.” While George Will and I might only agree on baseball, I do admit I agree with him about Apocalypse Fatigue. However, I disagree with his typical conservative world view that denies global warming – “we’re having some hot weather – get over it.” – even in the face of massive data. Oh, well, we still have baseball.

ITEM: Dr. Matthew Ashton, a lecturer at Nottingham Trent University in the UK, points out in a recent article that “Doomsday predictions have been around for all of human history…” and that “there will always be the gullible and the foolish willing to believe any old nonsense. What's worrying in the modern world is the way sections of the media, politicians and the internet seem obsessed with panicking us into distraction.” He finds that the chief culprit in soreading doomsday misinformation is, of course, the media. “It's simply the case that bad news sells. No-one ever bought a newspaper which had the headline: 'Hey, things are basically OK'. This isn't the papers' fault though - it's ours. Generally we're more interested in bad things happening to people than good and we buy our news stories accordingly. If we didn't want to buy bad news, media sources would sell less of it.”

IT’S ALWAYS DOOMSDAY SOMEWHERE

Here it is August already. We’re rapidly closing in on December 21, the end of the world…not!

A few days ago in Bolivia, President Evo Morales announced that beginning December 21, 2012, Coca-Cola will be banned “to celebrate the end of capitalism” and “the beginning of the culture of life.”

Confusion reigned. Banning Coca-Cola? Really? Media outlets around the world ran articles that Bolivia was going to boot the world’s largest soft drink manufacturer.

Rising to his country’s defense, David Choquehuanca, Bolivia’s foreign minister, explained that December 21, 2012 was the day the Mayan lunar calendar enters a new cycle and “has to be the end of Coca-Cola, the end of selfishness, of division. The planets will line up after 26,000 years. It is the end of capitalism and the beginning of communitarianism.”

Okay. So Coca-Cola fosters selfishness and division and if it goes away, it’s all going to be rainbows and unicorns, right?

Turns out, Bolivia is not the only country annoyed with Coca-Cola. You can’t get the “Real Thing” in Cuba or North Korea. What is it with commies and America’s famous soft drink? And speaking of nut cases, Hugo Chavez, the charming leader of Venezuela, has asked his countrymen to stop with the “pause that refreshes” and instead drink Uvita, the grape juice produced by a state-run company. No capitalism there, right? (And wouldn’t that grape juice be oh-so-much-better if is was fermented in a nice oak cask for a year or so?)

Another article appeared a few days after the ban was announced: “Bolivian officials played down a recent pledge to ban Coca-Cola, saying the words were taken out of context. Their aim was to encourage locals to switch to a homemade peach soft drink instead of the famous American soda.”

Thus, when Bolivian Foreign Minister Choquehuanca declared December 21 as the end of Coca-Cola, he actually meant it was the beginning of Mocochinci, the drink made from dried peaches, according to Foreign Ministry spokesperson Consuelo Ponce.

Okay, I admit, not end of the world stuff, per se, unless you are a Bolivian hooked on Coca-Cola instead of the local soft drink that is just peachy. (Sorry. Sorry. It was there, I had to do it. I know it was wrong.)

DOOMSDAY, DOOMSDAY, DOOMSDAY!

Nature magazine, among the most respected scientific journals around, recently published a report from “22 international scientists, including biologists, geologists, paleontologists, ecologists and theoreticians (who claim) the global ecosystem could soon reach a tipping point as the human population and consumption rates continue to grow.”

That tipping point could cause an “abrupt change in the global ecosystem that may cause ‘a state shift’ in as soon as a few decades.” That global state shift occurs when from 50 to 90 percent of ecosystems are disrupted.

"Humans now dominate Earth, changing it in ways that threaten its ability to sustain us and other species," the report said.

While the researchers could not say what the consequences of a state shift might be, they “think it could trigger severe changes in world's agriculture, forests, water resources and fisheries.” In turn, these conditions might lead to the “widespread social unrest, economic instability and loss of human life.”

The Nature is, of course, being taken seriously by scientists, although probably not by politicians and industrialists; the former primarily concerned with votes and the latter largely concerned only with money.

The Nature did not reference Doomsday/Armageddon/End of Days. However, in the coming years there are some predicted and/or theorized catastrophes of note:

2013 Astrophysicist Piers van der Meer of the Netherlands theorizes the sun will explode. Do not, I repeat, do not hold your breath on this one.

2014 Astrophysicist Khabibullo Abdusamatov from Russia theorizes a new ice age will begin. That somehow flies in the face of the global climate changes.

2014 Bulgarian Clairvoyant Vanga predicts millions will die from chemical warfare that supposedly began in 2011. Again, not holding my breath.

2016 American Climatologist James Hansen theorizes that the glaciers will all melt, flood a great deal of the dry land. Am I glad I live in Denver, it may become beachfront property.

2018 And, of course, what list of predictions and theories would be complete without including everyone’s go-to guy for doom and gloom? That’s right, hysterics have interpreted one Nostradamus’s prediction to indicate there will be a nuclear war. Again, not holding my breath.

NOTES FROM THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE…NOT!

ITEM: Hornady Manufacturing Company, an American maker of ammunition and the largest independent producer of bullets in the world, has introduced Zombie Max ammunition. The company claims it is a response to the recent “flesh-eating” crimes that garnered so much (unnecessary) media attention. The Zombie Max bullets are designed “for those who want to be ready and fully-equipped for what the company calls ‘a Zombie Apocalypse.’”

ITEM: (from the Allentown Morning Call) “…it was reported, a 43-year-old Hackensack man committed his own version of the Japanese ritual of seppuku (Americans call it harakiri) and threw pieces of his intestines at police officers. He survived, as did the police, but people in the neighborhood said he had been acting like a ‘zombie.’”

ITEM: Todd Credeur, a resident of Lafayette Parish, Louisiana, was doing yard work when his neighbor, 43-year-old Carl Jacquneaux appeared and, Credeur alleges, attacked him. In what was described as a “cannibal-type attack,” Jacquneaux bit his neighbor’s face, removing a quarter-sized piece of flesh from his cheek. According to Credeur, he stopped the attack by “spraying wasp poison into the attacker's eyes.”

ITEM: All the hype and hysteria over the “Zombie Apocalypse”… prompted Jack Simons of North Carolina to create a “Zombie Apocalypse Survival Course.” A dozen or so people laid now $50 to $75 each to attend the first one. Simons is essentially teaching a survival course with “a zombie theme.” In fact, Simons believes “high crime rates are the first sign to a zombie apocalypse.”

ITEM: And finally this bizarre tale. Beachcombers near San Francisco ran across tombstones. That’s right tombstones that washed up on the beach. Maybe. No, not really. While some tried to suggest it was another sign of a coming zombie apocalypse, in reality they were old tombstones that were deposited there as a seawall more than a century ago. Sound sacrilegious? Well, here’s the story: Back at in the early days of the last century, developers, anxious to expand San Francisco, pressured the city to close the Laurel Hill cemetery and relocate its cliental. The dead were relocated to Colma – as if they cared – although many grave makers were left behind and were subsequently used by emergency erosion crews to brace the beach. Hence, no zombie apocalypse, no floating granite tombstones, just more fodder for the True Believers (idiots/morons) to get excited over and pee themselves.

CDC ADDRESSES ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

Back again!

I’ve mentioned that the Center for Disease Control uses a “zombie apocalypse” as a fun method to teach emergency preparedness. Of course recently there have been a rash of cannibal “zombie attacks” around the country that the simple-minded, raging hysterics and out and out idiots have tried to interpret as a coming zombie apocalypse.

Thus, in light of all that, the CDC has produced “Prepared 101: Zombie Pandemic,” an online graphic novel demonstrates the importance of emergency preparedness.

“Readers follow Todd, Julie, and their dog Max as a strange new disease begins spreading, turning ordinary people into zombies. Stick around to the end for a surprising twist that will drive home the importance of being prepared for any emergency. Included in the novel is a Preparedness Checklist so that readers can get their family, workplace, or school ready before disaster strikes.”

The graphic novel is interesting and entertaining while offering valuable information. It can be accessed here: http://www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies/#/page/1

BACKYARD APOCALYPSE

I’m back….!

Okay, okay, stop! Please, no booing and hissing!

Anyway, one reason, well, okay, the main reason I took a little time off was the obvious redundancy of what I had to say.

Of course, as the year progresses, things are heating up. A woman in Mexico did terrible things to her child as an offering or something to the coming End of the World…Not and there have been more suicides and Apocalypse-spawned insanity. A 37-year-old-man in Maryland confessed to killing and eating parts of a college student living with his family. Prompted by the media, the Center for Disease issued a statement that even in light of several bizarre cannibalistic attacks around the country there is no pending zombie apocalypse.

However, all of that was just routine end of the world stuff. And then I read about the gnomes.

Not just any gnomes, either. Zombie gnomes.

Don’t watch the skies, rather watch your begonias and iris, keep a sharp eye on your rose bushes and black-eyed Susan. The little sucker might be lurking under any tree, shrub or bush.

A couple of California (where else?) artists came up with the idea of “zombie garden gnomes.” Chris Stever and Jane DeRosa fashioned a series of zombified gnomes, ranging from Patient Zero with a half-melted face to Doomsday Dan, a latter-day gnome preacher who believes the zombie apocalypse is a plague from heaven.

One of the art pieces entitled Bye Bye Birdie (see above), depicts zombie gnomes devouring a pink flamingo lawn decoration.

The artists sell their creations for prices ranging from $21 for a solo gnome to $55 for Bye Bye Birdie.

Additionally, there’s a gnome survivor complete with shotgun.

And who says the Apocalypse can’t be fun?