WAR CLOCK BECOMES SYMBOL OF ONLINE HYSTERIA

The Atlantic’s online arm, TheAtlantic.com (go figure) initiated a project recently called the “Iran War Clock.”

It uses the “Doomsday Clock” concept introduced by the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists in 1947 to “represent its view of how close humanity is at a given moment to complete ruin.” Apparently, in 1953 the clock was at 11:58 p.m. following underground thermonuclear tests by the U.S. and the Soviet Union within a nine month span. When the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. signed the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty in 1991, the clock rolled back to 11:43 a.m. (always a comfort). Of course, if the clock ever hit midnight, KA-BOOM, Armageddon/End of Days/the Apocalypse/Doomsday.

The Atlantic’s Iran War Clock was quickly renamed the Iran War Dial because there was fear that many people would get overly excited, pee themselves and as a block of humanity online, they might spread fear and loathing throughout the cyber world. “Betting markets like Intrade.com rely on the wisdom of crowds.” (Remind me to avoid Intrade.com because the “wisdom of crowds” sounds like a metaphor for “mob rule.”)

So, back to the Iran War Dial, which the good folks at The Atlantic created as “an evocative homage to…a cool symbol of Cold War-era humanistic vigilance.” The Iran War Dial ranges from 11:40 p.m. to midnight, “with each minute representing a 5 percent difference in the odds of either the U.S. or Israel attacking Iranian nuclear facilities sometime in the next year, as estimated in aggregate by our panel of 22 academics, journalists, and foreign-policy analysts with specialist knowledge of the region and issue.”

So why am I getting into all of this? Well, consider: The Iran War Clock Dial was simply a subjective method of viewing the high tensions and political strain among the U.S., Israel and Iran. (The Atlantic admitted that it could not possibly represent a scientific or objective analysis.) Instead, it became a barometer for hysterics and True Believers (idiots/morons) to measure whatever Doomsday bullshit lurks between their ears.

It speaks at once to the power of the Internet and the social connections it can spawn and to the utter stupidity of some people.

And, by the way, The Atlantic’s panel has “the odds of conflict at 42 percent, down six percentage points from last month.”

DEAD BEES, DEAD DOLPHINS, DEAD BATS, OH MY!

Okay, okay, there’s nothing funny about 900 dolphins washing up on Peruvian beaches or millions of bees dropping dead in Florida or white nose fungus prompting bats to wake up from their hibernation and flying into the winter landscape to search for food and instead freeze to death.

Experts in Peru are investigating the dead dolphins, which washed up along a hundred mile stretch of coastline beginning in January. The most likely suspect is “environmental contamination.”

It is estimated that seven million bats have died across northeast America due to the white nose fungus. Members of the Speleological Society – cavers – dispute the government’s numbers, but regardless of the actual count, bats have been dying in droves and, of course, some people see it as a sign of the approach apocalypse.

The bee deaths have been widely reported for several years now and have stirred up a good deal of concern among scientists, especially those working in agricultural areas. One religious commentator, speculating about all of these strange deaths, coined a new phrase: “Mark of the Bees.” 

Are they related? Unlikely, but I suppose they could be. The trouble is, we live in a time when the environmental foolishness of the last couple of centuries appears to be catching up with us and good ol’ Mother Nature is kicking ass and taking names.

It’s easy for the Doomsters to interpret everything as End of Days! However, it may simple be the ecosphere recalibrating. I mean, if you’re looking for signs of Armageddon/End of Days/Apocalypse/the End Times, you can always find some. Just the other day, a white killer whale was spotted swimming in a pod with 12 other whale – was he lucky 13? – in the Pacific just off the coast of Russia. Named “Iceberg” by the scientists, the male orca has a six and a half foot high dorsal fin and is estimated to be at least 16 years old. Is he a sign of doom and gloom to come?

American Indians were excited about the birth of a white buffalo some years ago. Maybe we should be excited about a white orca. Maybe it’s a sign of spiritual renewal or a mystical awakening. Frankly, I’d rather believe that than run around peeing my pants and wagging my tongue about the End of Days!

HYSTERICAL NONSENSE AND SIGNS OF THE TIME

BRAZIL

Decio Colla, the mayor of Sao Francisco de Paula, is urging his fellow citizens to prepare for the end of the world, which, he believes, will occur on – you guessed it! – December 21, 2012.

Colla is convinced that Sao Francisco de Paula, which is situated 900 meters above sea level, will become a haven for those fleeing real or imaginary floods and giant tsunamis. Consequently, he is urging the populace to stock up on food and water as 12-21-12 approaches.

RUSSIA

A Uzbek man was arrested and held for the alleged murder and dismemberment of a 74-year-old woman.

“The man was arrested at the scene of the crime,” said the official statement. “He said he killed and dismembered the woman because of the nearing Apocalypse.”

And won’t we all be doing exactly that when the End of Days arrives?

The 41-year-old man, who faces 15 years in prison if convicted, had been a boarder in the woman’s home for a few days. Then, for reasons unknown, he “became very excited, nervous and started talking about an upcoming Apocalypse.”

And, of course, killing an old woman was the only way to deal with his acute paranoia and anxiety.

ZAMBIA

A German couple was arrested and subsequently ordered to leave Zambia for “preaching doomsday messages on the streets of Lusaka.” Additionally, they accused some Zambian ministers of cheating the poor and making themselves rich. And isn't that a universal accusation against many pulpit-pounders?

The Germans were given 48 hours to vacate the country. However, they were broke, so it was up to the German embassy to get them out of the country and apparently sent them to wherever they wanted to go.

Their next Doomsday destination was unnamed.

LIVIN’ LA VIDA LOCA IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

A couple of weeks ago, the Internet was brimming with news of luxury condos for the Doomsday chic who want to survive the End of the World (Not!) in an old missile silo under the Kansas prairie. Sort of like living la vida loca – the “crazy life” – in a big rabbit hole.

At the time of the report, four wealthy survivalist-wanttabes had plunked down an astounding $7 million dollars to purchase retro-fitted condos in a Cold War-era missile silo. That works out to about $1,750,000 each.

"They worry about events ranging from solar flares, to economic collapse, to pandemics to terrorism to food shortages," the developer said, explaining that he also bought one of the condos because he worries a solar flare will destroy the power grid and chaos will ensue.

“Built to withstand an atomic blast, even the most paranoid can find comfort inside concrete walls that are nine feet thick and stretch 174 feet (53 meters) underground,” one reporter wrote.

And what do you get for your money? “Instead of simply setting up shop in the old living quarters provided for missile operators, (the developer) is building condos right up the missile shaft. Seven of the 14 underground floors will be condo space selling for $2 million a floor or $1 million a half floor.

“For now, metal stairs stretch down to connect each floor but an elevator will later replace them. The units are within a steel and concrete core inside the original thick concrete, which makes them better able to withstand earthquakes.”

And that ain’t all, folks! The silos will feature “an indoor farm to grow enough fish and vegetables to feed 70 people for as long as they need to stay inside and also stockpiling enough dry goods to feed them for five years.”

At the top on the lone prairie, will be extensive security. While other floors will sport a swimming pool – or human steam pot when the hot lava from the super-volcano flows in – a move theater, library, medical center and school.

The “marauding hordes” will be kept at bay by an “elaborate security system and staff.” Now that bothers me. The filthy rich get to swim and party while their lowly servants get to fight marauding hordes. What’s to keep the security staff from casting out all of the rich and taking over the luxury condos for themselves? That’s one of the mistakes the filthy rich always make: they trust that their security people are so devoted to them that they will die to protect them.

In addition to conventional power sources inside the silo, there will be windmill power and generators to provide power. The elevator – which I think is another bad idea, a sort of moveable tomb – will operate by matching fingerprints to those on file. If intruders try to climb the barbed wire fence surround the silo, the security can zap them with jolt of electricity or, I assume, a bullet to the noggin.

Another mistake the filthy rich make is relying on too much technology in the face of Armageddon.

“Fear sells even better than sex,” explained John Hoopes, a professor in the anthropology department at the University of Kansas who has studied the spread of doomsday culture. “Now the entire planet is involved and that's the result of the Internet. I think it's mostly a strategy for feeling less alone and helpless. People don't like to feel they're the only ones fearing the inevitable, which is each individual's personal death.”

PROPHET TB JOSHUA SCARES ‘EM TO DEATH

Temitope Balogun Joshua, the Nigerian “prophet” known in Africa as TB Joshua, has been accused by some on his native continent of being a “charlatan” and a Doomsday prophet who threatens to destabilize Africa.

An editorial that ran in several African newspapers accused TB Joshua of destabilizing “whole societies and even countries” with his biblical prophesies.

In February, TB prophesized the death of an African president; specifically, he said “African dictator would die suddenly within 60 days.” Then he “narrowed the demography of his prediction by excluding dictators from West Africa, leaving eastern and southern Africa.”

Lo and behold, Malawian President Bingu wa Mutharika, 78, died suddenly of a heart attack earlier this month.

In my opinion, the editorial writer became a bit hysterical:

“Talk was intense in Zimbabwe, Zambia and Malawi in recent weeks concerning the prediction because they are the three countries in southern Africa which had the oldest and not-so-well presidents. Could it be a coincidence then that Zambian President Michael Sata was within the predicted 60 days flown to India for medical attention? Could it also be a coincidence that Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe is in Singapore where he usually receives medical attention? And that Mutharika died?”

The editorial writer explained that TB’s prediction was a “self-fulfilling prophesy” in so far as it terrified these leaders. Personally, I think TB is a big bag of wind playing the odds. I mean, three leaders in southern Africa were old and ill. Additionally, he likely has sources in various camps providing fodder to foretell the future.

Apparently, Zimbabwe’s Mugabe and Zambian President Sata were so freaked out by TB’s prediction, they left the continent to find medical treatment for their ailments. Now that’s raw power. Can you imagine some pulpit ponder here predicting the demise of a few leaders that would send them scurrying off to various specialists? Okay, sure, maybe a few southern Bible Belt Republicans, but otherwise…? Naw.

Now, the editorial writer, as I said, was a little hysterical and while he pronounced TB Joshua a  Doomsday prophet, he really isn’t, unless you’re the late Malawian President Bingu wa Mutharika. I imagine TB is more of a Doomsday profiteer. He predicts the demise of a leader and one croaks and his followers pooped their pants and filled his coffers – no!, not with poop – with coin.

‘DOOMSDAY CONFERENCE’ HOLDS PROMISE OF POLICING POTENTIAL DISASTERS

Amid all the stupidity and nonsense regarding Armageddon/Doomsday/the Apocalypse/End of Days this is a refreshing – well, maybe not refreshing, but certainly sane – note from the Jeffrey Epstein Foundation, known for funding scientific research, that it will convene a second world conference on Coping with Future Catastrophes. The gathering is expected to take place in Dubai in the United Arab Emirates.
 

An earlier conference in the US Virgin Islands saw a distinguished panel of scientists identify and consider “the greatest threats to the Earth,” which included acts of bioterrorism and high-energy chain-reactions.

Thank God they weren’t discussing a zombie apocalypse or solar flares or rogue planets, or wayward asteroids. No, these were smart, learned people from MIT, Harvard and Arizona State discussing real threats.  

The next conference will consider “the major challenge” of the 21^st century: “how to meet energy needs for economic growth... without further damaging the climate ... and risking further spread of nuclear weapons," explained Lawrence Krauss co-chair of the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists' board of sponsors.

MIT’s Marvin Minsky, another participate, added: “We need to identify the greatest threats to our Earth, but we also need to prioritize them.”

It is hoped that the second gathering can begin a “process of setting up a non-governmental agency to monitor the list and work on preventative measures,” Minsky said. “There's a great need for an international organization to collect data…to prioritize looming disasters and to establish preventative measures."

Call me a geek, but hearing real scientists addressing real issues gives hope that Doomsday will remain a hysterical myth perpetrated by simple-minded morons and idiots. I trust scientists far more than I trust bunker bunnies.

RUSSIA USHERS IN POTENTIAL FOR ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

As a Baby Boomer, I grew up believing Russians were horrible people – probably lurking under my bed – who wanted me dead!

Well, earlier this month, Russian Defense Minister Anatoly Serdyukov (God, I love Russian names. I usually can’t pronounce them, but when I can they have such a delightful James-Bond-villain ring to them, but I digress…) announced that his country has plans to build an electromagnetic weapon.

If you think that Serdyukov was just tipsy on vodka, our old friend Vladimir Putin, Russia’s president (again), confirmed the story that Russian has been developing “mind-bending psychotronic guns that can effectively turn people into zombies."

A radiation gun that will create zombies! What will they think of next? Perhaps a serum to turn people into wolves? Or maybe a super-duper ray to reanimate dead flesh? How about an underwater blaster to turn fish into gill-men? (That’s a Creature from the Black Lagoon reference if you’re confused.)

So how does the Russian psychotronic gun work? According to the technology section of the International Business Times: “If you are unfortunate enough to be in front of the weapon it will attack your central nervous system. Based on previous research done on radiation guns, these low-frequency waves can affect brain cells, which could essentially lead to mind control.

“Radiation from the guns is similar to what can be found in microwave ovens. The weapon used for ‘achieving political and strategic goals,’ could very well be put into use by the end of the decade, reported the Daily Mail (OK, I don’t always trust the Daily Mail, it’s kind of like Fox News.).

Putin pointed out that the psychotronic gun is high technology comparable to nuclear weapons “but will be more acceptable in terms of political and military ideology."

Russia’s head of the Military Forecasting Centre pointed out that the radiation gun “is a highly serious weapon" and that it can damage internal organs, control behavior and may lead to suicide.

Can you say Zombie Apocalypse?

NOTHING SAYS DOOMSDAY LIKE A WARM GUN

Fox News in Houston reports that according to a gun store owner there, his clientele are purchasing guns and ammo because of President Barack Obama and the pending Doomsday (not!).

The gun meister said that in 2009 gun owners and wantta-be gun owners were buying guns and ammo in record numbers because they were terrified that Obama was going to ban gun sales.

That’s a common paranoid fantasy among the white right-wing who have not and apparently cannot accept a BLACK man in their precious WHITE house. First of all, ban gun sales? Are they truly that stupid? One of my relatives, a hardcore Republican, pointed out to me recently that some of these paranoids have this notion that the president wields powers far beyond those of mortal men or granted by the Constitution. Just consider the gnashing of teeth and the sobbing – not to mention the outright lawlessness – that banning guns would elicit!

It’s a stupid, stupid fantasy perpetrated by stupid, stupid people. And what do we say about stupid? Ya can’t fix it! Stupid is stupid.

“If he wins the election, he's got nothing to lose, so a lot of people think he's going to go after guns if he gets a second term,” the gun store owner said, further perpetrating the stupid, stupid paranoid fantasy and, no doubt, secretly peeing his pants thinking about all the additional guns and ammo he’ll be selling between 2013 and 2016.

And, to be sure, gun sales have skyrocketed if one of America’s largest gun makers is any indication. Sturm and Ruger has stopped taking new orders. With all the doomsday talk and the asinine Mayan Calendar prophesy (not!) and a BLACK man in the WHITE House to stir the paranoia pot, the company received orders for more than a million guns in just the first quarter of this year.


Shouldn’t we all feel safer knowing that dumbass paranoids and racists are fully armed, locked and loaded and ready to fight off all the delusional Doomsday demons and despots on our behalf?

Yeah, I don’t feel any safer either.

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE? THERE’S AN APP FOR THAT!

A popular theme for End of the World/Armageddon/End of Days/Doomsday is the (not going to happen) zombie apocalypse.

I’ve just finished writing a zombie novel – something I vowed never to do – and so I’ve had my head wrapped around all-things-zombie since late November when I started writing the manuscript. I have a tendency to immerse myself in what I’m writing, losing track of time and, occasionally, space. If it’s 90 degrees outside and I’m in my basement office writing about a brutal blizzard, when I get up to stretch, I expect to see a raging blizzard outside. Non-writers tend to view such psychological behavior as strange or perhaps insane; however, writers understand. When we write, we live in our heads, building elaborate constructs that we try, often in futility, to transfer to the computer screen in a series of cogent symbols.

Maybe it is a form of insanity.

Anyway, back to zombies and the not-going-to-happen zombie apocalypse. If you’re out strolling in the park and suddenly you hear a hoard of running feet behind you, you will, of course, turn. And what do you see! Zombies! A plethora of the damned undead are coming after you for their mid-day snack. Naturally, you run! You run fast!

The human instinct to run from danger is the impetus behind the new Zombies, Run! app. 

When you hear the zombies coming, you start to jog, just running fast enough to distance yourself from the advancing horde. However, the hungry moans and heavy footsteps grow louder and you must speed up least you become brain food…literally.

This app is both a game and good exercise (which for me would be good, because, as pointed out in the film Zombieland, “fatties were the first to go” in the zombie apocalypse.)

“Players become Runner 5 and are sent on missions, but the main point is to steer clear of getting caught in the brain eaters’ grasps. Players must speed their jog up to a run when approaching zombies can be heard. To add even more interest, players collect items such as batteries and medicine on their run to take back to camp.

“There are 13 missions and 17 more that plan to be released for Zombies, Run! The missions last 20 to 30 minutes and are jam- packed with action. Players can create a playlist to listen to under the audio of the game telling you when to flee from a pack of flesh eaters.”

“I used to hate running as a teenager and only got into it with the help of gadgets like the Garmin Forerunner GPS watch and Runkeeper,” explained Adrian Hon, who co-created the app with Naomi Alderman. “They’re a great way to help you improve running, but even then, they don’t actually make the act of running any more fun for beginners. So I’ve always wanted to make a real ‘running game’ that motivates you to go further and faster.”

For an app, Zombies, Run! is a bit pricey at $7.99. Still, if it can save you from getting your brain eaten, it’s cheap at twice the price.

A REAL MAYA SCHOLAR BERATES THE DOOMSDAY HUCKSTERS

Bruce Scofield, PhD, an astrological historian and Mesoamerican scholar who lectures at Kepler College and the University of Massachusetts, is getting steamed about the unsubstantiated media hype concerning the so-called “Mayan Prophecy.”

Scofield is particularly annoyed at the “legions of self-appointed, non-native Maya prophets” who have been spreading false information regarding the Mayan Calendar.

“The doomsday rant of these published prophets has gotten some media attention and the message is scaring people,” he said.

Scofield is no newcomer to this field. He was authored Day-Signs: Native American Astrology from Ancient Mexico; Signs of Time, An Introduction to Mesoamerican Astrology; and How to Practice Mayan Astrology with co-author Barry C. Orr.

He did a search on Amazon.com and said he found more than 500 books dealing with 2012 and ranging from predictions of transformational consciousness to the arrival of our space buddies (who may or may not view us as food).

“Some compare our time to the last days of Atlantis,” he added.

Scofield points out that “talk show hosts on radio and television have assisted in the transmission of doomsday messages, allowing distorted, incomplete and uninformed ideas to percolate through our culture. On the cusp of December 21, 2012 what we’ve got is an undisciplined, wishful-thinking, fear-driven rant that may be fueling the declining book business and may even be good for the economy.

“But the truth is, the Mayan Calendar 2012 subject matter is complicated and few have the patience to wade through it,” he said.

“What’s incredible is that there are not really any Maya prophecies for the end of the Long Count on December 21,” Scofield continued. “There are Maya prophecies for a section of the Long Count that is called the Short Count, but these don’t point to the year 2012 and appear to be unknown to nearly all the published non-Mayan prophets.”

As for the weathered, damaged brick that was found at a remote Mayan site and proclaims that a Maya deity named Bolton Yokte (sounds like a Ukrainian pop singer) will return 12-21-12, Scofield scoffs. “ not much is clear, not even who Bolton Yokte is in the Maya pantheon.”

 

A little sanity in an insane world.

SOME THOUGHTS ON PREPPING

Back in the 1950s, fallout shelters were all the rage. There were TV programs about them, serious discussions on political shows, newspaper and magazine articles and probably books (I was reading the Hardy Boys and Tarzan at the time, so I have no recollection of How to Build a Fallout Shelter, go figure…)

Back then, the threat of atomic war was pretty serious. It was something that Boomers and their parents thought about often. It was, in fact, the 10-mega ton gorilla sitting on the couch. We had faith in Eisenhower and later Kennedy to protect us from being atomized in an unfriendly exchange of missiles and during the Cuban Missile Crisis that faith was really, truly and honestly put to the test.

Back then, people with underground bunkers didn’t seem so odd. Well, okay, my father thought they were nuts, but he was a stoic and pragmatic man who was not about to dig a hole in our backyard and plant a fallout shelter unless there was a darned good reason. I think, for my father, a darned good reason would be confirmation that Russian missiles had launched. Other folks were less skeptical and built functional shelters filled with food and water and other supplies to survive the atomic/nuclear holocaust.

Today, people are burrowing underground for “a smorgasbord of end-of-the-world scenarios.” They are preparing for super-volcanoes (since lava is liquefied rock and will seek the course of least resistance, won’t the lava flow into the bunker? And if not, won’t the cooling lava cover the bunker opening, thus creating a tomb? Just asking…), meteor hits – not this year, folks – electromagnetic radiation (unlikely), plagues, an economic collapse of biblical proportions and all the rest.

People who build underground bunkers these days seem to each have their own Doomsday du jour scenario.

So while preparing for a disaster is prudent – three days supply of food and water – preparing for Armageddon may be a tad overboard. 

Maybe I’m wrong. But, you know, all this time and energy preparing for Doomsday seems to be a kind of game unto itself. Some people are bird watchers, some are stamp collectors and others are Armageddon aficionados. It’s all good, until someone somewhere goes crazy and decides that Armageddon is NOW and begins committing heinous and horrible acts. If a bird watcher goes crazy, he scares away all the birds and if a stamp collector goes crazy, he might lick himself to death (unlikely, but an interesting visual); however, if a prepper goes crazy…well, that worries me more than an economic meltdown or an electromagnetic storm.

IT AIN’T ABOUT THE END OF DAYS!

Revelations: Visions, Prophecy & Politics in the Book of Revelation, a new book by Elaine Pagels, an internationally-recognized biblical scholar and former winner of the National Book Award, wrote this one with one question in mind: What does Revelation mean?

The answers she gives will be cold comfort to those who profess End of the World prophecies derived from Revelation. Pagels deflates and debunks four common myths from the last book in the Bible.

She dispels the common belief that 666 is “the sign of the Beast,” the Devil. No, she says, the passage referred to Nero, the Roman emperor who was both egotistical and demented and was loathed by early Christians and, supposedly, burned them alive to light his garden. What a sweetheart, eh? Anyway, according to Pagels, the writer couldn’t name Nero in his text, so he used the “Jewish numerology system to spell out Nero’s imperial name.”

Another belief is that the person who wrote Revelation was a Christian. Not so, Pagels says. In fact, the writer did not like some Christians, because there were many and varied beliefs rather than one common belief. There were numerous conflicts between the factions (and, hey don’t we see that today, too? I mean, if a Methodist and a Baptist start getting into the nitty-gritty of their beliefs, it could come to blows.).

Revelation reflects some of those early clashes in the church, Pagels says.

John Blake, a reviewer for CNN, put it this way: “The author of Revelation was like an activist crusading for traditional values. In his case, he was a devout Jew who saw Jesus as the messiah. But he didn’t like the message that the apostle Paul and other followers of Jesus were preaching.

“This new message insisted that gentiles could become followers of Jesus without adopting the requirements of the Torah. It accepted women leaders, and intermarriage with gentiles, Pagels says.

“The new message was a lot like what we call Christianity today.”

Another myth Pagels exposes is that the Book of Revelation is the only book of its kind. She says that several similar books were excluded from the Bible. “Early church leaders suppressed an ‘astonishing’ range of books that claimed to be revelations from apostles such as Peter and James,” Blake wrote. “Many of these books were read and treasured by Christians throughout the Roman Empire.”

The fourth myth Pagels dispels is the one that is important to my blog. It concerns the End of the World. Pagels explains that the writer of Revelation was not describing how the world ends but how his world ended.

As Blake explains, “the writer of Revelation may have been called John – the book is sometimes called ‘Book of the Revelation of Saint John the Divine’ but he was not the disciple who accompanied Jesus. He was a devout Jew and mystic exiled on the island of Patmos in present-day Turkey.”

The writer penned the book shortly after Jerusalem was sacked and burned by 60,000 Roman soldiers in 70 A.D. The city’s destruction was the result of a Jewish revolt, but the devastation was unfathomable to the early Christians. Revelation was an attempt to encourage those early Christians with the message: “God would return and destroy the Romans who had destroyed Jerusalem.”

It was not, according to Pagels, about the End of Days. But let’s face it, True Believers don’t care much for reality when they have their delusions to spur them on.

DATING DURING AND AFTER THE PENDING APOCALYPSE

BetaBeat, the site for the “lowdown on high tech,” ran a piece recently on an online dating service for survivalists.

Well, why not? Even the Doomsday/End of Days/Apocalypse/Armageddon worshippers want love and romance; cupid in chainmail. And, let’s face it, when Doomsday/End of Days/Apocalypse/Armageddon arrives (not), we’ll all want to hook-up to relieve that pent-up tension from watching the world end. Why not have a fellow doomster by your side with whom to lip lock and do the nasty?

Enter Survivalist Singles, a site for the prepper subculture where like-minded paranoid survivalists can find an equally paranoid mate; a snuggle bunny for the underground bunker or the mountain top observation nest. Nothing says “you’re my love muffin” quite like a 10-inch survival knife and a hefty .45 automatic.

CNN reported that Survivalist Singles has a membership of nearly 1,700 and nearly 1,200 of them are male. Oh, boy, there’s going to be a real donnybrook over the 30 percent or so of the membership that’s female. The ladies will feel so special. Let’s do the math. There are about 1200 guys vying for 500 gals. That’s like two and a half fully-armed, locked-and-loaded, ready-to-rock-and-roll hard-cases for each fully-armed, locked-and-loaded, ready-to-rock-and-roll chick.

And don’t you know, in their fantasy life, the survivalist men all imagine the women look like Pam Anderson in Barb Wire or Jessica Alba in Dark Angel instead of the late Anne Ramsey (the evil mother) in Goonies? Oh, let’s be fair, the women probably would rather have a guy who looks like Jon Hamm in Mad Men or Ben Affleck in The Town instead of Danny Trejo in Machete. (No offense to Danny, he’s my number one bad guy, but as the afore mentioned Machete demonstrated, an onscreen lover he ain’t.)

In these days leading up to Doomsday (not!) it’s “cool” to be is a prepper. Prepper chic in camo and canvas, out in the woods working up a carnal appetite while stalking, killing, gutting and cooking a nice fat squirrel or bunny. And, apparently, Survivalist Singles is just the place to find that perfect mate with whom to share that woodland bounty.

As an aside, I recall from my long-ago high school days, all of my dating was survivalist fare.

BRINGING ABOUT THE END OF DAYS FOR TENURE

I’m baaaacccck!

Talk about scary, huh?

You may recall that last year a scientist in the Netherlands (or maybe the nether worlds) decided to play around with the “world’s most deadly” avian flu virus. He decided it would be an excellent idea to make this lethal bug “contagious to humans.” As such, the mutated virus would kill half of the people exposed to it in a sneeze.

Now, I am an ardent advocate of advanced education. You can not be too smart or too educated. “Over educated” is a bullshit concept perpetrated by under-educated, intellectually-challenged nincompoops.

I mention that, because there are some highly educated people who are totally screwed in the head. Such as, anyone who would want to genetically alter the “world’s most deadly” flu virus so that is would be contagious to human beings!

Seriously! What was in the Dutchman’s pipe?

Some researchers at the University of Wisconsin at Madison did similar research. Between the two, a serious firestorm erupted among academics and security experts about publishing the results of these studies in scientific journals.

Now, again, I am a strong advocate of academic freedom; however, in this case maybe a little restraint is in order.

According to the Chicago Tribune, “Scientists argued that researchers need those details to better detect and fight a possible epidemic of the virus, known as H5N1. Security experts argued compellingly that the studies should be expunged of key details, lest terrorists use that information to unleash a devastating biological weapon.”

On top of that there is fear that the do-it-yourself biologist/terrorist could conceivably create a doomsday weapon in his basement or garage.

In academia, the rule of survival is publish-or-perish. Unfortunately, this whole thing give “perish” an entirely new spin.

Fortunately, both Science and Nature, top academic journals, have refused to publish the results of these studies at the request of the National Science Advisory Board for Biosecurity. This board consists of experts that counsel federal health officials.

Inexplicably, biologists gathered by the World Health Organization (WHO) proposed releasing the full details of the studies. Why? Well the Dutchman now says his contagion isn’t nearly as contagious as he first pronounced.

Cold comfort, eh?

The Americans are not buying it and thus far do not support the WHO panels proclamation.

Thus, while I am an advocate of academic freedom in particular and academia in general, I do not want to see these studies publish with full details. Leaving out key portions that would obstruct the development of an Armageddon virus seems only prudent in a world fraught with wild-eyes lunatics bent on killing as many infidels as possible.

So, fine, call me paranoid and color me chicken.  

IF THIS IS THE END TIME, GET READY TO SHOOT ZOMBIES!

In Reading, England, an abandoned mall was turned into an End of Days shooting gallery. Some fun, huh?

Actually, yes.

The idea was pretty simple. Folks paid a fee to “shoot zombies in a ‘spooky, deserted’ shopping mall.”

Upon arrival, the participants were briefed by the “Police Special Zombie Bashing Unit” concerning the “zombie apocalypse.”

Once briefed, the would-be zombie hunters had to complete a series of “run and gun” missions inside the creepy old mall. Zombies lurked everywhere. Adding realism to the whole thing were Airsoft rifles, special effects and a host of props that enhanced the whole fighting the evil undead experience.

Of course, to make it more frightening and fun, ammunition was in short supply and there were not that many opportunities to “reload.” In short, according to one the zombie hunt sponsor, “As a survivor you will [need] speed, steady nerves and smart thinking if you're to make it out alive!”

The “Zombie Shopping Mall,” experience, which lasted the three hours, cost £119 ($189) per person.

In 2011, the same promoters gave folks a chance to participate in “Zombie Boot Camp.”

“Zombie Shopping Mall” was a success and will probably result in more zombie shooting experiences. Which is good, we should all enjoy make believe experiences, because I’m here to tell you, there will be no zombie apocalypse, no zombie doomsday or no zombie Armageddon.

And, by the way, tomorrow is Friday the Thirteenth and I will be on holiday through Monday the sixteenth. But, fear not, I’ll return April 17…or not.

HIPPIES LINING UP FOR DINNER AT THE END OF TIME

A few weeks ago, the Internet was all abuzz about a batch of hippies hanging out near the village of Bugarach, France waiting to be saved from Armageddon/End of Days/Doomsday/the Apocalypse by an alien spaceship that will whisk them away in the nick of time.

One pundit wondered how many hippies could an alien spaceship carry? “Perhaps (the hippies) will be powderized for the journey and then rehydrated…when (they) arrive at your new planet.”

Well, there’s always that, I suppose.

Bugarach is the site of the upside-down mountain – the result of a volcanic eruption in the long-ago – that True Believers (idiots/morons) believe is magic and has aliens living  inside of it, which I’ve previously discussed.

And, of course, the hippies will be rescued December 21, 2012 when the world ends (not). They refer to the alien craft as a kind of Noah’s Ark.

Currently, there are a few hundred True Believers (idiots/morons) camping out near Bugarach but that number is expected to swell to 100,000 by you-know-when.

If a hundred thousand do show up, dehydrating them for a spaceflight may be the only way our alien friends can take them home. Once on their home planet they can rehydrate them as needed. You undoubtedly recall the Twilight Zone episode, “To Serve Man,” in which human believed the aliens would be their benefactors and the aliens saw human as an entrée since their book To Serve Man was a cookbook.

Corny, but still worth consideration. I mean, should we just jump into any old alien craft that stops at the curb? Didn’t our parents caution us about hopping into vehicles with strangers?

End of Days or not, you won’t find me on a willing joyride with some alien smartass unless I know for certain that a) I won’t be on the menu and b) I won’t be…you know…probed.

12-21-12 AND THE UFO COMMUNITY ASCENSION

Let me say this: Having been raised in the San Luis Valley in southern Colorado, which is rife with lore about UFOs and alien sightings, I none the less remain skeptical, although I don’t discount the possibilities of alien visitations. There are some questions that have been raised by UFOlogists that scientists have not answered because they can’t find answers and thus simply ignore the questions. That’s not science, that’s cowardice.

I’ve always been a pragmatist and a realist and when it comes to mythology, legend and folklore, I want empirical evidence. But, hey, I’m also with Mulder, I wannta believe!

That said, when I read the following, I was truly perplexed and mystified…

“We hope these vague descriptions in the English language enlighten others who are traveling on the path that will lead to ascension of the extraterrestrial energy that our ancient alien ancestors passed down in various ways as oral traditions and that similar secret groups on earth have tried to convey to their own members.”

This is the opening to “Alien ET UFO Community of Ascension Age 2012 and Beyond.”

“We prepare the way for those of the coming day and the golden dawn to come as mentioned by those of our ancient tribal ancestors as that of the Ascension Age to officially begin December 21, 2012 at 11:11.”

Do you get the feeling that 12-21-12 is getting a little crowded? Everyone wants a piece of the action. Although, for my money, the ones who have it right are the Mexican and Central American tourist agencies that are planning a big party; fun for all, as opposed to Doomsday.

Anyway, this Website reports that beginning 12-21-12 at 11:11 – it does not spell out if that’s Greenwich Mean Time, Mountain Standard Time, Pacific Standard Time or Alien Standard Time – official Ascension Age. To prepare for this new age, you should visit their Website on the Internet “where we all now meet and learn and educate others and ourselves. Please join us for we shall always add the stories to share on the UFO Digest.”

I read more, but got both lost and bored. I’m not really sure what they’re peddling, but I’m will to bet buried under all the verbage and flowery New Age hyperbole there’s an ebook or series of ebooks or something similar.

In the meantime, remember the admonition from The Thing from Another World (with James Arness as the vegetable guy): “Watch the skies everywhere. Keep looking. Keep watching the skies!"  

DOOMSDAY SURVEY

Not surprisingly, many Americans are feeling antsy and anxious during the slow economic recovery. In fact, a recent survey of Americans 18 and older found that 51 percent believe the U.S. will face a Doomsday scenario in the next 25 years.

Half of us are convinced that the doom and gloom that True Believers (moron/idiots) have spread will actually come true. That’s kind of astounding, although given the amount of misinformation and utter bullshit that has been spread over the last decade or so, probably not all that surprising.

The survey was conducted for the National Geographic Society by highly respected Kelton Research.

Apparently, according to the survey report, three million Americans are actively preparing for widespread disaster. Additionally gun sales are skyrocketing and precious metals, particularly gold and silver, are selling at unprecedented levels.

On the other hand, the survey found that 25 percent or about 80 million Americans have done nothing to prepare for a catastrophe, even though half the population believes a man-made or natural disaster will hit the country in the next quarter century.

Of course, Americans are more pampered these days and more impatient. The need for instant gratification that is the hallmark of the Baby Boomers, has transferred, I think, to the Gen Xers and the Millennials. The economic recover and the return to good times should have happened instantly.

The Pew Research Center reports that during the Great Depression of the 1930s, Americans looked to the government for help and that after his first term in office, Franklin D. Roosevelt was not hated because he had not turned around the economy in his first term. Americans then were a hardier stock and, according to Pew, “more optimistic” than today’s Americans.

Of course, too, and this is strictly my opinion, I think many, many white Americans cannot come to terms with a BLACK man occupying the WHITE House. For some of them – people I know – it is much like Armageddon.

Well, I say, get over it!

PREPPERS, PREPPERS EVERWHERE AND NARY A DOOMSDAY IN SIGHT!

A while back, I discussed a guy who spent $130,000 in preparations for Doomsday December 21, 2012…that is, preparing for Doomsday…NOT!

However, an Australian gentleman has him beat by hundreds-of-thousands of buckos. Internet marketer by day, survivalist musketeer by night! All for one and one for me!

The Aussie has thus spent $350,000 getting ready for the Armageddon. He hopes to protect his wife and three children for a Doomsday disaster that could happen at any time.

“What is certain is that in my lifetime, there is a strong likelihood that there will be a catastrophe of some kind -- the sun destroying power grids, a flu pandemic that kills millions, an asteroid or meteor or comet striking earth or a magnetic pole shift," he bleated.

In preparation for this, he has a stockpile of food and water valued at $5,000 and generators, batteries, gas cookers, water purifiers, solar power collectors and other items valued at $11,000. On an acre of land more than an hour from Melbourne, he has built a house and a bunker 1,500 above sea level to keep him safe from those pesky tsunamis. Adding the cost of the land, bunker and buildings as well as $10,000 for a used Toyota pickup to get him and his family to the site, his expenditure list has swollen and, voila!, he’s looking at an outlay of $330,000.

(As an aside: $10,000 for a used Toyota pickup? Really? Why not buy a new one for a couple of thousand more? I mean, it’s how you plan to get from the city to the bunker! Pretty important.)

While many of us save money for vacations, kids’ college, a nice retirement, the Aussie has been saving money for years for his Doomsday retreat. Plus he has mortgage his home and taken a second mortgage on it all to pay for the retreat.

As an addendum, I’ll add this from CNN:

“Phil Burns, a co-founder of the American Preppers Network and the subject of ‘Meet the Preppers’ on Animal Planet is preparing for all types of disaster scenarios. Among the more ominous: A natural disaster or economic collapse that causes mass starvation, causing people to become so desperate for food and shelter that they lose their minds and resort to violence. In the preparedness world, these people are often referred to as ‘zombies.’”

Sorry, but that’s the oddest zombie apocalypse scenario I’ve heard so far.

DOOMSDAY AND DENVER INTERNATIONAL PART 4

“Denver International Airport is about as bizarre and creepy of place as you can imagine. It is actually an airport over an underground city with tube shuttles that travel at mach speeds to places like the Argo Mines, NORAD, Riverton, Wyoming and Dulce, New Mexico. There is Nazi propaganda, Indian worship temples and Bizarre Murals that should make every decent person who travels via DIA angry.”

Oh, yeah, I’m steamed every time I go there!

Okay, that’s not true. I like DIA. It’s cool and unique. And, above all else, it’s a friggin’ airport! I can fly out and fly back 24/7. Not that I fly much anymore. TSA – Terrorizing Senior Americans – has become one of the great annoyances of my life…

Ah, but I digress.

The above is from an ultra-paranoid Website “The Conspiracy Zone.” Reading it is like watching 10 episodes of The X-Files in a row; you kind of overdose on mistrust, fear and suspicion.

There is so much wonderful hysterical paranoia on the site that I have not the time or space here to recount it. However, among the aliens attacking earth, the $1.3 trillion biannual black budget for weird projects and so forth, there is the DIA nonsense.

“The Illuminati want the New World Order established by the year 2012, which is the year the Mayan calendar ends. The DIA murals actually are a blue print of the events that will have to happen to carry out their evil agenda. Millions of travelers have seen these weird murals but most pay no attention. This is a perfect example of the illuminati hiding in plain sight! There are murals that depict a military man in a gasmask killing a dove (symbol of Christianity) with a sword, different minority groups lying dead in caskets (the Illuminati expendable races), women carrying dead babies and kids with a German boy as the leader hammering a plowshare while holding it with an Iron claw. The murals at DIA are a map of the coming New World Order. On the Capstone in one of the many ‘Masonic’ hallways in the airport it designates DIA and the ‘New World Airport Commission.’

“Denver International hosts a secret underground city which is over 88 square miles and several miles deep. DIA is one of the major hubs for these secret underground tunnels. Let’s take a partial look at an interview with Alex Christopher, author of Pandora’s Box who is an expert on the subject of DIA as he is interviewed by David Allen of KSEO. “This system of murals at the airport are the most grotesque things you’ve ever seen at a public institution!!

When Allen was asked they DIA murals represent, he responded: “I say that that they are about what they plan to do to us, and the world as a whole, not what has happened or some fantasy. One of them that is very unusual has three caskets with dead people in them…”

“That’s part of the ritual connected with the Skull & Bones Club,” said the interviewer.

Allen then went on to explain that the murals express the Illuminati’s desire to exterminate Jews, American Indians and African-American.

Like I said, this is all ultra-paranoid. I’m curious though how they will reinvent the mythology after 2012 comes and goes and all is well.

Never fear, they’ll come up with more craziness.