SURVIVAL CONDOS…AN UPDATE

Here’s an update. If you read – or try to read – my blog, you’ll recall the entrepreneur converting missile silos in Kansas into chic Doomsday shelters for the very rich. Known as “Survival Condos,” the developer reports that he has sold every one of the plush underground (tombs?) for a cool $2 million apiece.

Just to recap, a former software engineer transformed Atlas F missile silo that was built in the 60s during the height of the Cold War into a posh set of condos that will be able to house 70 people in comfort for many years.

I cannot speak for anyone else, but the idea of living in a hole in the ground (the silo is 174 feet deep) for an unspecified amount of time is not appealing.

Sure, the condos will have Jacuzzis, HDTVs to simulate windows, modern appliances and gadgets to pass the time, but in the end, you’re just another rodent burrowing into the ground to hide from whatever bad thing is happening. Of course, topside there will be guards to watch over the site to make certain whatever bad thing is happening doesn’t happen to you.

And therein lies the rub.

My first thought when I read about the Survival Condos was about the wealthy, privileged set enjoying the luxuries and amenities below ground while, above ground, a group of armed and we must assume highly skilled and trained mercenaries are on patrol protecting them.

What could go wrong?

Let’s see, said armed, trained and skilled mercenaries decide that they’re just as important as the privileged set they’re protecting. Why must they eat military rations while the gentry eats cake and caviar?

And so, like Spartacus leading the slave rebellion, the armed, well-trained guards turn their skills on those they guard and…

Well, you get the picture.

Survival Condos are all well and good, but how safe will they actually be when Doomsday…Not! comes around?

HUBRIS, HYPOCRISY AND HYSTERIA

As previously mentioned, biblical prophesy is a big deal in some corners. However, for my money, biblical prophesy depends on interrupting biblical passages to fit a particular scenario.

The “Everything important blog” promotes itself as “the Key end times prophecy signs to watch for - basic timeline.”

Now, as I’ve mentioned before and I’m sure I’ll mention again, too many Doomsday bloggers want their readers to believe that they are the alpha and omega of End Times prophesies. To which, of course, I say bologna! The sheer egotism behind these sites is amazing.

Well, okay, I’m egotistical as hell, but my message is not to get sucked into Armageddon/Apocalypse/End of Days/the End Times hysteria and nonsense. In fact, both the Bible and astrophysicists agree that “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven…”

Still, while Matthew 24:36 and Mark 13:32 – both Gospels – pronounce the above, many End of Days prophets insist they know the truth. I’m not certain if that is hubris or hypocrisy or a combination of both.

I will say this. A lot of End Times bloggers point to current events as the sign of approaching Armageddon. They forget, or conveniently ignore the fact that news reaches us almost instantly – a bomb goes off in Israel and a live TV feed is on CNN before the smoke clears. We are bombarded with words and images from every corner of the world with an immediacy that is staggering. Since many of these images are horrendous, it’s understandable that some people might interpret it as a sign of a world going to hell in a fanny pack, but really, isn’t the truth less terrifying. All over the world, people are looking for better lives and demanding more freedoms. So, maybe I’m a Pollyanna – although a lawyer once told me no one would ever accuse me of such – but I think rather than approaching oblivion, humankind is struggling, inch by inch, towards a better world and a brighter future.

The thing is, why waste time and energy trying to predict the unpredictable? Why not enjoy life? Or, at the very least, try to enjoy it?

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE STORE…ENOUGH SAID!

In Las Vegas, according to the Las Vegas Weekly, Mike Monko operates the amazingly popular Zombie Apocalypse Store. While in reality, it’s a store for survivalists (AKA Preppers), tacking the “zombie” moniker onto its name was a stroke of marketing genius.

“I had the name in mind, but I didn’t say anything, and I asked my 14-year-old son Michael, ‘What do you think we should name the store?’ He says, ‘I think you should call it the Zombie Apocalypse Store.’ It didn’t take but a couple days. We got a sign up and said, ‘We’re gonna run with this.’”

Admitting that he was completely unfamiliar with the “zombie subculture,” Monko acknowledges that they flocked to his store.

“They tend to be pretty well versed on what’s happening, and they know what they’re really preparing for. Your zombie could be anything. Some people are super concerned about climate change. That could be their zombie, and all that means is, what are you preparing for? It all boils down to: If you’re prepared for a zombie attack, in most areas, you’re pretty much prepared for anything.”

Thus, the Zombie Apocalypse Store is really about preparing for disasters, natural or man-made.

“People who won’t prepare for an earthquake or for whatever government takeover or meteorites hitting the Earth ... people who won’t prepare for that will prepare for a zombie attack.”

The store sells what you would expect, weapons, food and survival gear. But, Monko handles zombie novelties, too. He can even customize a T-shirt with fake blood. Plus, he has a BB gun shooting range. Not many prepper stores offer all that.

“I just got a new bumper sticker, and it’s become one of our best sellers,” Monko says. The bumper sticker reads: “Deep inside we all want a zombie apocalypse.”

Okay, we all know a zombie apocalypse is pretty far-fetched, however Monko does make one final resonating point: “You’re preparing for zombies, you’re weird. But if there’s an earthquake, you’re eating.”

OF ROGUE PLANETS AND HUCKSTERS

Of all the Doomsday/Armageddon/End of Days/Apocalypse nonsense floating around the Internet and the blogosphere, the most nonsensical is the phantom planet Nibiru that is supposed to (magically) appear and crash into earth.

Well, lo and behold, hysterics and Doomsters have recently been wetting themselves over a paper presented to the American Astronomical Society by Rodney Gomes, a Brazilian astronomer. The subject of his paper is a model that demonstrating that a large planet with four times the mass of earth “may exist in the outer reaches of the solar system, thus explaining the sometimes odd orbits of objects in the Kuiper Belt, which lies beyond Neptune.”

While members of the American Astronomical Society present at the meeting were reportedly intrigued, they asked for further evidence.

First of all, in 1781, William Herschel found the seventh planet from the sun, Uranus using only a telescope. Subsequent observations demonstrated that Uranus did not follow a solar orbit as it should. Mathematical analysis on this odd orbit led to the discovery of Neptune, which has a pronounced effect on Uranus' orbit. 

Okay, no arguing that a mysterious planet might possibly be out there. However, peddling it as Nibiru, the rogue planet come to destroy earth, is needless exploitation of True Believers (idiots/morons). Such fear-mongering marks the peddler as a dyed-in-the-wool huckster and, worse, an out-and-out liar!

Happy Memorial Day!

SIGN OF THE END TIMES…NOT!

End of the world?

Bah! Humbug!

Dario Franchitti – you know, Ashley Judd’s husband – won the Indianapolis 500 for the third time today. Surely a sign that the world is NOT coming to an end. At least, not my world!

Photo © CBS Sports

CHOCOLATE TEMPLE

This being a holiday weekend and all, I decided that rather than rant and rave about insane True Believers (idiots/morons), I’d share a photo of Qzina’s 18,239-pound sculpture of the Mayan pyramid Kukulcan in Chichen Itza.

Enjoy.

A BEAUTIFUL SACRIFICE

Since this is the beginning of the Memorial Day weekend, the traditional start of summer – for me it’s the Indianapolis 500 – I thought, why write about True Believers (idiots/morons)? There’s plenty of time between now and Doomsday…Not! to point at them and laugh.

That’s not very charitable of me, is it? Well, as an old buddy used to say, “Life’s tough all over, not just in spots.”

Anyway, since we’re about to enter summer, it seemed a good opportunity to present a summer read related to the pending Doomsday…Not!

Elizabeth Lowell’s latest book, Beautiful Sacrifice, tackles the Mayan (non-Doomsday) prediction. Publisher’s Weekly wrote: “Lowell deftly incorporates creepy basement corpse discoveries, sleazy antiquities dealers, crumbling jungle tombs, charmingly sinister relatives, fascinating archeological elements, and a well-realized, completely invented Mayan god.”

Some fun, eh? My kind of reading.

Beautiful Sacrifice features Lina Taylor, an archaeologist, and Hunter Johnson, a former Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent, searching for stolen Maya artifatcs. Along the way they stumble upon narco gangsters performing blood rituals, black marketers, cultists involved in blood sport, and Lina’s “creepy” family.

As one reviewer for Hispanic Business wrote: “Beautiful Sacrifice is action, suspense, and romance on par with Lisa Gardner, Linda Howard, Jayne Ann Krentz, and Nora Roberts ... and exactly the sort of romantic adventure that inspired Johanna Lindsey to declare, ‘Lowell is great!’”

So forget about Armageddon/Doomsday/End of Days/the Apocalypse and grab a thrill-a-page novel and emerge yourself in Armageddon/Doomsday/End of Days/the Apocalypse…oh, wait…is that right…?

Have a nice Friday.

RAPTURE? WHAT RAPTURE?

A North Carolina couple moved there from Reno after quitting their jobs, cashing in their 401K’s and building a website to the tune of $250,000. Wow! I’ll build you a website that will sing and dance for a quarter of a million. I don’t how, exactly, but for that kind of money, I’ll learn. Quickly.

But, I disgress…(shiny babbles distract me, too.)

So, Goofus and Doofus (not their real names), the couple in question, uprooted their lives and set up a website. It’s a very comprehensive site, filled with information and misinformation on a ton of stuff related to, however tenuously, the End of Days/Armageddon/Doomsday/the End Times/the Apocalypse.

“How about if we built you a house able to withstand 250 mile per hour winds, was completely fire proof, and would take impact from a nuclear device and still survive? If we could do that it would be great. We did it,” Goofus told a reporter from KRNV TV in Reno. 

So, making money on the website by selling all manner of survival gear has now prompted them to host a convention in Reno this summer that will feature speakers and plenty of vendors and, by extension, plenty of opportunities for good people to be parted from their money.

"Bottom line we really care to inform people about what they're up against," Goofus explained. He and Doofus made a point of letting people know that they are Christians.

Now that’s where I got confused. Clearly Goofus and Doofus aren’t GOOD Christians. If they were, why would they be bothering to build a disaster-proof house or dig hole for a bunker? Don’t the good Christians believe that with the Second Coming they will be “caught away,” that is vanished from earth to join Jesus elsewhere?

Ah ha! Goofus and Doofus know they are not good Christians and that they won’t be “caught away.”

Either that or they figure, hey, what’s wrong with making a little pocket money before Armageddon? It’s not like peddling hokum is a crime, right?

Of course, Goofus denies using fear as a sales tactic. “That's not what we're about, we're about purchasing to be prepared.”

And if you believe that, I’ve got a swell little Doomsday bunker out in Death Valley you can pick up for a song.

A RANT FOR ALL SEASONS

Today I rant!

Doing this blog is both enjoyable and taxing. Time and time again I run across articles about the so-called “End Times,” written by people professing to known and understand biblical prophesies and, nine times out of ten, they have an ebook that explains it all a mere for $9.95. Heck, it might be a part of a series of ebooks.

It’s disgusting! Why are these so-called “Christians” so obsessed with the world ending? Because Christ will return? Or because their shitty little lives aren’t all rainbows and unicorns?

Kaye and Buddy have a website to “help you get all the information you need on surviving the End Times.”

What incredible arrogance! Out of the billion or so Christians roaming the planet, Kaye and Buddy are the ones who can tell you how to survive the end of the world. It’s egomania of monstrous proportions. And, sadly, their website is one of hundreds, if not thousands professing to do the exact same thing.

Like the doomsday preppers with their delusions of commanding leadership, taking charge when the solar storms hit or some mythological planet appears from behind the sun or a giant asteroid hits earth, Kaye and Buddy will be your guide into the era of the Second Coming.

 

Bullshit!

Unfortunately, these True Believers (idiots/morons) are like an infectious bug, just keep nibbling away at people, spreading their hokum and nonsense to the gullible and feeble minded.

The world isn’t going to end this year! Forty thousand-plus people die everyday and more are born. The world does have problems, but in my humble opinion the world is a better place today than it was forty years ago and forty years ago it was a better place than forty years before that. All over the planet, human beings are striving to build a better world for themselves and their families, countries are reinventing themselves, people are coming together (largely thanks to social media) for common good. If the world seems like it’s going to hell in a fanny pack, it’s only because our media is everywhere and news reports are instantaneous. Couple that with the new reality of “journalism” in which TV local newsreaders now delivery every story with editorial commentary, usually in a panicky and breathless voice and newspapers actually take stories from dubious sources like TMZ, the National Enquirer, The Star, People Magazine, ad infinitum.

Here’s my opinion: All the End of Days doomsters with their pathetic yowling and mewling about the End Times are nothing but opportunistic money-grubbers seeking attention and/or profit and who wouldn’t know Jesus or the anti-Christ from Chucky Cheese.

Life is good! Choose to be happy because choosing to be unhappy is insane!

A VEHICLE FOR ALL DOOMSDAY SCENARIOS

For the best-prepared doomsday preppers, Land Rover has built the DC100. The Land Rover has, for many years, been the vehicle of choice in Africa and other areas where rugged dependability is worth the price. Now, during this hysterical age of Doomsday/Armageddon/End of Days/the Apocalypse, True Believers (morons/idiots) can lay down their hard-earned cash for a vehicle designed with them in mind.

The DC100 offers “pure practicality on four wheels and none of that annoying sleek styling that is showing up in other models. Nope, this car is meant to take on an uncertain future,” according to one reviewer.

It sports a rooftop equipment rack, a large cargo area, a winch and – this is amazing – a snorkel “so it can be driven in deep water.” Additionally, it has “’Wade Aid’ with sonar sensors on the bumper and side mirrors to measure water depth. When it senses that you have sounded the dive alarm and are headed for deep water, it automatically closes vents, raises the ride height and puts the vehicle into low gear.”

Unfortunately, no periscope or torpedo launcher; however, it does come equipped with a “Terrain Response system” that “creates a three-dimensional map of the outdoors and can 'optimize' for just about anything it encounters.”

So that’s the good news.

The bad news is the DC100 is a prototype currently and won’t be available until 2015 – three years after Doomsday….not!

*big sigh*

SOME COOL DOOMSDAY TRAVEL TIPS

While admitting that an anti-climatic non-Doomsday doesn’t really sizzle, nonetheless Maya Tour Guide Gener Vallejos Uicab is more than happy to host tourists on Tia Stephanie Tours that allows visitors to experience the Maya culture through its food in the Yucatan Peninsula.

Food? Sign me up!

Accompanying well-respected chefs, tourists will go to market to experience various foods and flavors.

“Different dinners and different restaurants, different chefs, guest chefs, cooking with local ingredients,” explained Chef Roberto Solis of Festival Kooben.

In addition to chowing down on yummy treats, tourists can mingle with Mayans, visit ancient sites and explore a new museum dedicated to the cocoa bean.

On tour, visitors stay in boutique hotels, haciendas and lodges. The 10-day “Culture & Cuisine of the Maya” tour will begin November 28 and costs $3,185 per person, double occupancy.

Not to be outdone, Lucy Fleming, the owner of the Lodge at Chaa Creek in Belize, is planning a Maya celebration for the Winter Solstice.

“Most of what we have been able to reconstruct about ancient Maya history and timelines comes from the stone monuments known as stelae which have survived over the ages,” Fleming explained. “So it's only fitting that we continue the tradition for 2012 by launching our own (stelae), which hopefully will be read and appreciated by historians thousands of years from now.”

The Lodge at Chaa Creek is having Maya artisans carve a 2012 Winter Solstice stone monument using traditional tools and methods. The inscriptions will use Maya  hieroglyphic symbols used by the Maya. Suitable stone is being located and prepared for use and will be carved for the December 21 dedication.

During the weeks leading up to the Winter Solstice, Chaa Creek will host lectures and construct an “authentic” Maya village with hands-on workshops including arts and crafts, weaving, roof thatching, cooking and the preparation of Xocoatl, the Maya hot cacao drink from which all chocolate developed.

“Given the importance of December 21, 2012, we want to do something rather grand, but at the same time respectful,” Fleming said. “Chaa Creek sits directly within the Heartland of the Maya and a large proportion of our staff is of Maya descent. We've been hosting legitimate Maya research for years, so it is very important to us that the culmination of the 13th Bak'tun of the Maya Long Count celebrated at Chaa Creek with the reverence and enthusiasm it deserves.”

And, well, let’s not forget, make a buck.

DOOMSDAY TIDBITS

Countries in Danger

Researchers at the University of Southhampton in Britain, have identified those countries that “most likely to be worst hit by the catastrophic damage caused by asteroids.” The top 10 include China, Indonesia, India, Japan, the US, the Philippines, Italy, the UK, Brazil and Nigeria.

NASA reports that there are 47,000 “potentially hazardous” asteroids – 330-feet wide or larger – near the earth.

NASA’s asteroid hunting operation is known as NEOWISE.

“The NEOWISE analysis shows us we’ve made a good start at finding those objects that truly represent an impact hazard to Earth,” said Lindley Johnson, program executive for the Near-Earth Object Observation Program at NASA Headquarters in Washington.

“But we’ve many more to find, and it will take a concerted effort during the next couple of decades to find all of them that could do serious damage or be a mission destination in the future,” Johnson said.

Prepper Expo

A Doomsday prepper in the Ozarks hosted for the third time a two-day “Get Prepared Expo” that attracted a capacity crowd. The expo featured everything from cheap flashlights to a $300,000-plus “expedition vehicle” that runs primarily on solar power. There was also a “bug-out trailer,” that has a bed, stereo system, microwave and, of course, a gun rack.

While not everyone at the expo was interested in prepping, business was good. One fellow was selling storm shelters that people were repurposing.

"Panic rooms, safe rooms, as emergency storage rooms,” the seller explained. “In fact, we use ours as a vault at home."

How about a tomb?

10 Books to Read Before Armageddon

A website about “thoughts on Theology” recommends 10 books to read before, you know, the End of Days. And, the list doesn’t begin with Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Oh, no, this list is ponderous by comparison. Here’s the list:

1. Archer, Gleason L., ed. Three Views on the Rapture: Pre-, Mid-, or Post Tribulation. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996. 

2. Blomberg, Craig L., and Sung Wook Chung, eds. A Case for Historic Premillennialism: An Alternative to “Left Behind” Eschatology. Grand Rapids: Baker Academic, 2009.  [See A. J. Gibson’s review in Themelios.]

3. Bock, Darrell L., ed. Three Views on the Millennium and Beyond. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1999.

4. Clouse, Robert G., ed. The Meaning of the Millennium: Four Views. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1977.

5. Hays, J. Daniel, J. Scott Duvall, and C. Marvin Pate. Dictionary of Biblical Prophecy and End Times. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2007.

6. Mounce, Robert H. The Book of Revelation. Revised edition. Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1998. (Wait a gosh darn minute. What do they mean “revised” edition?)

7. Osborne, Grant R. Revelation. BECNT. Grand Rapids: Baker Academic, 2002.

8. Walker, Peter W. L., ed. Jerusalem Past and Present in the Purposes of God. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1992. [2nd ed., 1994]

9. Walls, Jerry L., ed. The Oxford Handbook of Eschatology. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2008.

10. Witherington, Ben. Jesus, Paul, and the End of the World: A Comparative Study in New Testament Eschatology. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1992.

I hate to be snarky – okay, not really – but isn’t it odd that even in the face of the End of Days, someone, somewhere has a book or ebook to selling on the subject?

A NINE TON TEMPLE OF DOOM AND YUMMY CONFECTION

Ozina Specialty Foods in Irvine, California, “the premier importer and distributor of specialty chocolate, pastry and dessert ingredients in North America,” is celebrating its 30^th anniversary by building the largest chocolate sculpture in world, certified by the good people at Guinness who maintain those weird world records.

The sculpture is a model – wait for it – of an ancient Mayan temple. The giant structure weighs in at 18,239 pounds (nine-plus tons) of chocolaty goodness. The previous record was set in Italy in 2010 and the Temple exceeds the Italian creation by 7,500 pounds. The temple was built “proportionally to the ancient temple's true size.” It’s a solid chocolate pyramid six feet high with a base that measures 10 feet square and weighs 3,000 pounds. The whole thing is one-thirtieth the size of the real temple. (Get it? 30th anniversary, 30th the size?)

“Qzina chose the Mayan theme because of the crucial role the culture played in the origins of chocolate,” the press release said. “The Mayans were one of the first civilizations to cultivate Cacao trees and discover the true potential of the cocoa bean. Realizing the delicious possibilities of this powerful discovery, the Mayans worshiped the Cacao tree and praised its beans as the food of the Gods.”

God made me eat all of those yummy M&Ms and Hershey bars and…(see, I can blame God for my short comings, too) but I digress.

Back to the nine-plus tons of chocolate temple, which took more than 400 hours to construct.

“Breaking a Guinness World Record for building the largest chocolate sculpture will be Qzina's greatest masterpiece yet," boasted Richard Foley, Qzina’s founder and CEO (no ego problem there). “We studied Mayan pyramids at great lengths to create an exact replica of the Temple of Kukulkan at Chichen Itza to honor the original chocolatiers. It was important for us to create something memorable in celebration of our 30th anniversary and the grand opening of the Qzina Institute of Chocolate & Pastry.

"It's amazing how far the company has come; from the basement of my family home to a key player in the specialty dessert industry," said Foley.Not to mention the proud owner of a nine ton chocolate temple. Ain’t ma and pa proud?

So, beginning June 4, the temple of chocolate at which I am certain many, many women and a few men I know, will worship or, at least drool, will be on display at the Qzina Institute of Chocolate & Pastry, located in Irvine. Alas, on December 21, 2012 – that oh, so ominous date – Qzina will destroy the temple! Lightning and thunder? Earthquakes? Rogue asteroids?  They’re not saying but my money’s on a big, gooey melting pot.

OH, THOSE HAPPY GO LUCKY PREPPERS

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, a lot of the so-called “Doomsday Preppers” are guys who fantasize about being great leaders in the aftermath of their specific apocalypse du jour.

For example, in Puyallup, Washington, a guy has the usual stockpile of canned goods, sacks of flour and powdered milk (yummy!), frozen foods in a freezer that can be powered by a 4,000-watt generator that operates off the gas he has stockpiled.

“Seattle? Maybe one in 1,000 families could survive more than five days comfortably," the prepper proclaimed. And he added that no buddy will get his stockpiled goodies because he owns “in excess of 17” pistols and rifles in his “safe house.” Does that mean he has a total of 18? Just asking.

During the interview, the guy showed the reporter that he had a holstered .45 under his T-shirt.

“I mean, in an emergency, I'm not gonna tell somebody, ‘Wait a minute, I'm going to get my gun.’ You want to be as prepared as you can be,” Deadeye explained.

MANCHESTER, NEW HAMPSHIRE

 A gentleman from Charlie Company Army Surplus, explained to a reporter from WMUR TV that he’s seeing more and more clean-cut people – as opposed to bearded, long-haired backwoodsmen – coming into the store to get prepper supplies. And he explained that all of the preppers have one thing in common.

“It's fear. I believe it's all fear-based.”

In New Hampshire and elsewhere, experts encourage people to prepare for events such as floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, ice storms and prolonged power outages. In the last six years, New Hampshire has experienced 10 federally-declared natural disasters.

On the other hand, when preppers over prepare, the mental health community takes notice.

“You know, you buy the generator, you put away some food -- you should feel better for now," said psychologist Dr. Eric Mart. “And if that's not working for you, then it's probably something where you should say, ‘Maybe I should talk to someone about this, because I just can't relax. I'm always worried that next thing you know, it's going to be 'Mad Max.’”

“If you're really just worried and anxious about (doomsday) all the time, there's only so much control you have, and at some point, you've got to just let it go and stay involved with what's in front of you," Mart said.

Amen.

THE GOOFY SIDE OF ARMAGEDDON

Here are a few warm, fuzzy Doomsday tales.

KANSAS CITY STAR

A Kansas man who was preparing for the end of the world by making and storing grenades was sentenced this week to 21 months in federal prison.

Alfred C. Dutton, 65, of Eureka, Kan., pleaded guilty to one count of unlawful possession of unregistered destructive devices.

Government exhibits included grenade bodies, powder and fuses. Prosecutors said five incendiary bombs were found in a storage locker leased to Dutton in Eureka in southeastern Kansas.

Dutton’s defense said he was preparing for the collapse of the economy and collecting medical supplies, non-perishable foods and other items. The defense submitted to the court an excerpt from a National Geographic documentary on “Doomsday Preppers” to illustrate his state of mind.

PATCH.com

Novi, Michigan – What started off as a night drinking and talking with friends turned into a 22-year-old man being arrested on charges of stealing a car from a Novi dealership to survive the 'zombie apocalypse,' according to a police report.

In his statement, the man said he and his friends had begun drinking at a home at 10 p.m., then went to a bar to drink more. He said he and his friends talked all night about the TV show The Walking Dead and other zombie-type movies, the report said. The man was dropped off at home, the report said.

“My best guess is that I closed my eyes, woke up, and freaked out about the zombie apocalypse,” he said in his statement to police.

The man said he isn’t clear on how the rest of the night went. He told police that it is plausible that he broke into the dealership via the single service bay door and walked into showroom. He found a car in the showroom and drove it forward and through the double glass doors on the west side of building, the report said.

HUFFINGTON POST

After launching into a bizarre rant in which she claimed to be married to God, pregnant with his child, and predicted the pending apocalypse, a teacher at Veterans Memorial Academy in San Benito, Texas, has been removed, the Houston Press reports.

According to the paper's blog, the teacher claimed God's army would destroy the world on December 21, 2012, but that Jesus had another planet ready for them where everyone "was always 25 years old," and money doesn't exist.

“I am married to God, and I don’t know what’s going to happen to my husband that’s here (on earth),” she said, according to the San Benito News. “One of my eyes is mine and the other one belongs to God, so God is watching what you all are doing.”

According to the Monitor, district officials said the incident may have been the result of the teacher having an adverse reaction to medication.

Or…

Or perhaps, she was off her medication! Just sayin’!

AND WE HAVE A FUMBLE!

Here’s a headline from The Local, an English-language newspaper covering German news that appeared last week:

German Drops Mayan Skull, Endangers Mankind

“The volcanic rock skull, named Quauthemoc, was dropped - or, more eerily, may have fallen of its own accord - during a photo-shoot at a laboratory in the small town of Glauchau, Saxony,” The Local reported with all the reliability of Entertainment Tonight or Extra.

Apparently, the ancient Mayan skull was swiped from a Tibetan monastery by Nazis between 1937 and ’39. They were seeking its “magical powers” that will “enable humanity to survive the December 2012 apocalypse.”

At the end of World War II, the skull was found among the possessions of Nazi Interior Minister, Gestapo chief and black magic connoisseur Heinrich Himmler.

During a photo shoot of the skull, a clumsy East German lab assistant fumbled it and the chin of the skull was chipped.

"It was probably put down somewhere a bit wobbly," an eye-witness reported. "Suddenly it crashed to the floor. A big piece broke off the chin. It's really tragic."

The owner of the skull, one Thomas Ritter, who was not present when the accident occurred, said that the incident was not “a bad omen.”

He went on to explain that his Mayan skull is one of 13 “magic skulls” that will aid humankind after the 12-21-12 apocalypse. Seemingly Ritter and the other skull owners will gather at an ancient Maya site in Mexico on December 21 to begin the healing process.

"The prophecy says that the skulls will reveal a secret knowledge to humanity on that day," Ritter pronounced. "But I can't say more than that. The skulls might start speaking or something, but I have no idea."

“I have no idea.” That’s the most telling bit of this asinine story. Ritter wants to take off for Mexico in December to head off an Armageddon that was NEVER predicted!

This is a lot of cheap publicity coat-tailing on a ludicrous and silly non-event!

MORE DOOMSDAYS FROM OUR PAST

Time to take another walk down memory lane to Armageddons-that-never-were.

One of the several dates wrongly picked by the Jehovah’s Witnesses following their bungled prognostication of 1874 was 1914. As it happened, 1914 came and went and the world did not cease to exist.

In 1936, some enterprising Doomsters measured the Great Pyramid as Giza, calculated their results and decided this particular year was the End of Days! Well, guess what? That’s right, it wasn’t.

Back in 1889, John Ballou Newbrough, billed as “America’s Greatest Prophet,” pronounced that:

all the present governments, religions and all monied monopolies are to be overthrown and go out of existence. . . . Our present form of so-called Christian religion will overrun America, tear down the American flag, and trample it underfoot. In Europe the disaster will be even more terrible. . . . Hundreds of thousands of people will be killed. . . . All nations will be demolished and the earth be thrown open to all people to go and come as they please.

The foregoing was Newbrough’s prediction for 1947. Given the magnitude of such a prediction, you’d think you’d have heard about it. You didn’t, of course. 1947 was not an exceptional year as years go, but it certainly was not that horrendous.

In 1953, out came the tape measures and slide rules again and more measurements were taken of the Great Pyramid. This was the year of our doom….not!

All was relatively quite on the Doomsday front until the inauspicious year 1974 when a pair of well-educated and seemingly sane astronomers published a book entitled The Jupiter Effect. In 1524 there had been an alignment of planets and it would occur again in 1982 on March 10. The astronomers predicted a dreadful effect on our planet when this alignment occurred. Other astronomers, no doubt distancing themselves from the pair of silly boys, pointed out that nothing would happen. March 10 came and went and earth continued to revolve undisturbed. One of the two astronomers proclaimed, in a face-saving effort, that the earthquakes of 1980 had been a “premature result of The Jupiter Effect.” The world was underwhelmed.

Again, in 1975, the world would end according to the Jehovah’s Witnesses. It did not. Go figure.

RUSSIAN CON MAN PLOTTING ECONOMIC ARMAGEDDON

A lot of Doomsters foresee an economic apocalypse bringing down the world’s financial system. Economic Armageddon always seems to be part of the litany of the end times.

Well, by golly, former Russian financier Sergei Mavrodi, “the man behind the infamous MMM financial pyramid that cheated millions of Russians out of their savings in the 1990s, is broke and in prison for nonpayment of a 1,000-ruble ($33) fine.” Yet, his descent from billionaire to penniless prisoner has not stopped him from plotting.

"My goal is a financial apocalypse, a destruction of the global financial system," he explained scant hours before he was arrested March 14. "I consider the current financial system unfair; it's not fair that some people own billions while others have nothing. The system must be destroyed and something else must be built in its place. That's precisely what I'm working on."

Funny, isn’t it? I’ll bet he was preaching “unfair system” when he was bilking his countrymen and amassing an ill-gotten fortune. His redistribution of the wealth also smacks of something his country tried, unsuccessfully, from 1917 to about 1989.

His plan to bring about the financial apocalypse was simply another Ponzi scheme.

“The principle behind (the new scheme) is the same as in any Ponzi scheme -- earlier investors receive their profits from subsequent investors,” pointed out a news article. “Mavrodi promises fantastic returns of 20 percent to 75 percent a month, as well as lotteries and bonuses for investors.

“What sets this new scheme apart is that unlike the original…which was presented as a financial institution with offices selling vouchers bearing Mavrodi's picture, the new version is entirely Internet-based. Investors have their money converted into a virtual currency called the "mavro dollar" that is supposed to increase in value.”

Marvo dollars? Really?

Essentially, Mavrodi is setting up a financial social network in which participants give one another money.

Although in prison, he is claiming that this new Ponzi apparatus has 20 million members, a number impossible for anyone to verify. It is known that is charisma attracts the gullible, including one former Russian legislator who tossed his political career to spend his time promoting Mavrodi’s new scheme.

"He isn't doing it for money,” the politician proclaims. “I believe that his intentions are noble. Will he succeed? Considering the speed with which (the scheme) is growing, I think I will see this new life. I think it will happen soon. Even if I go bust, I will have invested my money in his project, I will have supported him as a strong personality."

Well, fear not. European and Western laws will stop any Ponzi operation from spreading too far or too fast.

CONFIRMATION: THE MAYA DID NOT PREDICT DOOMSDAY!

Last week, it was widely reported that “on the wall of a tiny structure buried under forest debris in Guatemala, archaeologists have discovered a scribe's notes about the Maya lunar calendar, which they say could be the first known records by an official chronicler of this ancient civilization.”

First, for the Maya archaeologists that’s one enormous discovery. For the rest of us, it confirms what we already know: the Maya calendar DOES NOT PREDICT THE END OF THE WORLD IN DECEMBER!

The notes that were found pertain to the same calendar that people have been peeing their pants about lately.

“The researchers who helped uncover and decipher the wall's inscriptions said the Maya calendar foresaw a vast progression of time, with the December 2012 date the beginning of a new calendar cycle called a baktun,” according to Reuters.

“The Maya calendar is going to keep going and keep going for billions, trillions, octillions of years into the future, a huge number that we can't even wrap our heads around," William Saturno of Boston University told Reuters.

He explained that the “numerical inscriptions on the wall in Guatemala measure out time in approximate six-month increments, based on six lunar cycles, with small stylized pictures of Maya gods to indicate which deity was the patron of a specific slice of time.”

Thus, to sum up, the Maya calendar that does not predict the end of time, actually rolls on and on and on ad infinitum.

December 25, 2012 is Doomsday Not!

DOOMSDAY DU JOUR, WITH A TWIST

Once again, an American religious leader has proclaimed a date for the End of Days/Armageddon/the Apocalypse/Doomsday: June 30!

Jose De Jesus Miranda made the proclamation a couple of weeks ago, declaring on a ministry broadcast that “an earthquake is coming.” 

Yeah, duh!

Earthquakes are a dime a dozen.

"It is getting closer and we will see the catastrophes,” Miranda announced. “What you have seen is nothing. What is coming is cities falling."

Ah ha, that’s not all he promised. According to his prophesy, there will not just be the “complete destruction of the bad seed,” but a superhero will arise and he will have the power of flight and be able to walk through walls

Hey, I’m not making this up. Jose De Jesus Miranda says a flying superhero is going to appear and do stuff. What kind of stuff? Well, you know, fly and walk through walls, kinda like Superman’s ghost.

You might wonder if he was actually christened Jose De Jesus Miranda. The short answer is no. He was born in Puerto Rico in 1946 and, by his own account, was visited by Jesus in 1973. Actually “visited” is not accurate. If I understand correctly, he was possessed. Jesus “walked up to him and entered his body.”

With Jesus onboard, Miranda waited until 1988 to “disclosed that he was actually the Apostle Paul. Not long after that, Miranda took it to the next level, calling himself both Jesus Christ and the Anti-Christ – as one writer put it, “a one-stop shop for all your Reckoning needs.”

And, now, according to his latest proclamation, the time of reckoning in fast coming upon us. He points to a pending reversal of the earth’s poles that will cause the “tectonic plates to heat up. For 2012, we are expecting a change on the face of the earth and the destruction of the world will come."

Miranda sweetens the plot with some economic doom and gloom that will cause governments to crumble, etc. etc. etc.

He has followers in 130 countries. How man followers is not known.

“He's in their heads, he's inside the heads of those people,” U.S. religion expert Prof. Daniel Alvarez said in a 2007 interview with CNN. “De Jesus speaks with a kind of conviction that makes me consider him more like David Koresh or Jim Jones.”

And while his followers sing his praises, others are not so keen to line up behind him:

“To put it bluntly,” GotQuestions.org, a Christian website posted, “Luis De Jesus Miranda is a heretic. He is a false messiah who claims to be the second coming of Jesus Christ."

So remember: Mark your calendar. June 30. End of Days. Or not.

INTERNET DOOMSDAY JUST AROUND THE CORNER

For those of us who using PCs and Macs  -- like everybody --  July 9 is looming large if our computer happens to be infected with a strain of malware called DNS Changer.

According to PC World, “DNS Charger is a Trojan that surfaced in 2007 and infected millions of machines. The malware would redirect computers to hacker-created Websites, where cyber-criminals sold at least $14 million in advertisements. DNS Changer also prevented computers from updating or using anti-virus software, leaving them vulnerable to even more malicious software.”

The FBI has been warning users about it for quite some time. On July 9, the feds plan to “throw a switch that prevents infected computers from accessing the Internet.” That action, in turn, could make a “personal Internet doomsday” for infected users.

The so-called “clickjackers” were busted last November by the feds when they “arrested six Estonian nationals that allegedly ran the clickjacking fraud, and seized the rogue DNS servers where infected users were being redirected. The FBI has put up surrogate servers in place of the malicious ones, but only temporarily.”

So now the FBI is looking to shutdown the temporary servers, which means infected machines won’t be able to reach the Web since they won’t be able to redirect through the servers that no longer exist. Originally, they were going to turn off the malicious servers in March, but a federal judge blocked that action until July to allow users in the government and business more time to eliminate DNS Charger. Half of the Fortune 500 were impacted and even now, it is believed “350,000 devices are still infected.”

“To find out if you're infected,” PC World explained, “visit the DNS Charger Check-Up site (just a simple Google search) which checks the DNS resolution of your PC without installing any additional software.” If you are infected – End of days! End of Days! – the site lists anti-virus software to resolve the problem.